Puke Kills Or What Not To Say In Bed

Programmers’ minds can be convoluted. Their thought process abstract. I think I’ve learned to follow most of my husband’s leaps from one topic to something seemingly unrelated without batting an eyelash after so many years of marriage.

But sometimes, he still makes my eyes cross and my brain hurt.

Last night as I snuggled into bed, my programmer came in to kiss me good night and wish me an early, happy Valentine’s Day. We cuddled, shared a few cute kisses…and then he said it:

“I almost threw up on you last night. “

Needless to say, I pulled back a little and blinked while he continued to natter on about whether this gross episode had been part of his dreams, bleary, late night code-induced reality, or something in between. While he’s mulling over this fuzzy zone of his memory, my freshly awakened hormones are involved in a thirty car pile-up. With a hazardous waste tractor trailer and a truck full of rabid chickens that pluck the eyeballs from the few survivors. Finally, a plane drops from the sky and squashes the few remaining feel good sparks flat as he muses about why he felt like throwing up on me.

I’m not a squeamish girl. I’ll actually do disgusting things that my husband won’t touch with a ten foot pole. But when you talk about vomit when we’d been working up to a session of cooing, moaning and toe-curling? Bleck. Yuck. Get away. All I could think about was changing the sheets because god only knew what he actually had done since he couldn’t remember anything but the desire to puke.

Romantic Tip #1 (I would have thought this tip was obvious, but now I feel it is worth reiterating.):

DO NOT. EVER. TELL YOUR LOVER YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO THROW UP ON THEM IN BED. NEVER EVER.

Now that’s the most important bit of Valentine’s Day advice. Ever.

Please, Don’t Creep Your Lover Out On Valentine’s Day

My programmer has a hard time remembering dates…anniversaries, major holidays, and birthdays. Lucky for him, I have this affliction also, so there are no tears or screaming if the appropriate cards, kisses, and gifts aren’t supplied right on time. I only remember my own birthday because I have a much younger sister who delights in telling me and everyone else how ancient I am and also how my life is over since I’m married. (She only continues to live because her quick death at my hands would upset my mother, something I really strive not to do. Plus, one day I figure my mother really will get fed up with my sister’s abominable cleaning skills and sell her to a desert sheik-a favorite threat in my family’s household. But this is a whole other story). Long and short of it, if it weren’t for my sister, and the super-saturation of marketing that retail stores do around a holiday, my husband and I would live in oblivion to such events.

When I do realize it is Valentine’s Day, I get all soft and gooey. I have a serious girly-girl fetish for all things pink and heart-shaped. But this doesn’t mean I want roses and a cardboard box of chocolates. Flowers die-this makes me sad. Bring me a live plant instead, say an African violet, a funky cactus, a palm tree. The symbology behind giving your lover something that dies in a week creeps me out. Does this mean you won’t love me when all the petals fall off the roses?

As for chocolates, don’t get me wrong, I like chocolate. But in this house, chocolate is a necessity, not an indulgence. I’ve already got bowls of high-end dark chocolate in just about every room. My programmer goes bonkers if he doesn’t have a couple pieces a day. So I’m certainly not going to feel special if you show up with a cheap box of drugstore milk chocolate. Give the love of your life something they don’t get everyday, no matter how much they like it. Try for something unusual, unique…something new.

Now let’s talk about lingerie. I LOVE lingerie. But I don’t want you buying it for me. Why? Because it isn’t going to fit. Let’s be frank. I don’t have a Victoria’s Secret model’s body and never will without major plastic surgery and leg extensions. I have difficulty buying myself silky little bits of naughty. I’ve got to try it on first. Case in point: there was this frilly, super-temptress corset I adored. Picked out my size and slinked back to the dressing room just knowing I was going to look awesome in it and my panting programmer was going to melt to the floor in a puddle of lust.

Got the corset on and was truly horrified. Jaw dropped to the floor. The corset should have been called the Magic Boob Evaporator. No boobage what so ever. I kept stuffing my hand down the front thinking I just needed to plump up the packages. Nope. Instead, it just flattened my hand. You would have thought this miraculous slimming garment would have also flatten my tummy.

That would be a no.

I’d been shaped into a green and black lace bedecked pyramid. Narrow at the top and bulging at the bottom. Not attractive. So if I can’t even pick out my own lingerie without spending hours in the store, you’re probably not going to be able to either. Oh, and another tip. If she’s not in the mood, and you present her with lingerie, it’s probably just going to piss her off more. The fight will start something like this: “All you ever think about is sex…“

However, men, feel free to buy sexy little things for yourself. My programmer once bought a very skimpy piece of underwear and then surprised me with a striptease. He’s still recovering from the rug burns…

Finally, let’s talk about jewelry. This one is hard (no puns or innuendos intended-get your mind out of the gutter people!). I like jewelry and don’t mind getting it for Valentine’s Day. But don’t bring me the necklace or earrings that have been hawked on TV since before Christmas. I’ll know you didn’t think about the gift; you let the marketers pick it out. And what if I don’t like diamonds or rubies? I’m a semi-precious stone kinda girl. Once again, make sure you cater to your significant other’s tastes. Don’t get her silver if she hates silver. This will just upset her more than if you didn’t get her any gift at all. It shows that you don’t pay attention to what she likes and dislikes. Also, if your girl (or guy) does like jewelry and you have her tastes down pat, don’t get her jewelry ever year. This is like scheduling sex for every third Saturday of the month. BORING. Gifts should be a surprise. A new experience. Most of all, they should show how much you care.

Tying Up The Wild Programmer

In a vicious battle of epic proportions, I knocked my husband out with his wireless keyboard, tied him to his office chair with an USB cord and rescued my laptop from his evil clutches.  It’s been absolutely forever since I blogged because I’ve been sans laptop and the creative juices just don’t flow at my desktop.

Okay, so maybe the battle wasn’t so violent or of historic relevance.  In truth, the programmer return from a long business trip, fell asleep on the couch, and I snuck my much-missed baby out of his bag.  However, I may still tie him up, especially since he’s fast asleep.  (If you want to tie up your loved one but they’re bigger or strong, it’s best to use the advantage of surprise.)  And of course, it’s almost Valentine’s Day so I have serious amorous intentions toward my programmer.  Now decisions, decisions…should I use USB cords, the neckties I just dug out of his suit case, or my slinky scarves?