Never Say This: A Warning To All Men (Not Just Programmers)

The programmer only shops when I throw out his clothes.  After his last trip I sorted through all his  dress pants: stains, missing buttons, ragged hems.  In the end, only one pair of pants was left hanging.  Gleefully, I mentioned this yesterday and that therefore, he was going to be pantsless in Vegas (this could be fun for me but probably not great for his professional credibility).

Finally, we shopped, and he found new pants and shirts and I found…shoes.

The programmer:  “You have a shoe fetish.”

Me:  “These espadrilles will be perfect for Vegas!”

“Espa…whats?”

“They’re so cute!” I exclaim.

“You have enough shoes.”

“The red, silver or black ones?”

“The closet is full, we need a bigger closet.”

Let’s pause here for theatrical effect.  In a romantic comedy, this is where time slows down and the music swells to orgasmic volume.  She’s met the man of her dreams, he realizes she’s the love of his life, world peace is achieved and every child gets a puppy that is already house trained.  Cue confetti, bells, whistles, fireworks and heart-bursting sighs.

But forget the I love you’s.  This all happens when the man says “we need a bigger closet”.

Could he get any more perfect?  (big, girly sigh to accompany my starry eyes and goofy smile).

Well, yes, there’s room for improvement.

“Can we?  Can we get a bigger closet?”  My heart’s pounding, I can already picture the mahogany organization system and tufted bench.

“No.  And you don’t need more shoes.”

Trumpets screech.  Violin strings break.  Confetti blows away.  How quickly the ultimate fantasy crumbles.

The programmer was then on the receiving end of the REALLY evil eye.

So, guys, a bit of advice.  Never mention getting a bigger closet unless you’re ACTUALLY getting her a bigger closet.  Otherwise, you’ll be crushing all her hopes and dreams.

It would be like your girl saying she got first-row, fifty yard line Superbowl tickets…and then gave them to your archenemy.