Emerging Tech Conference Breakdown Part 2: Javascript Sucks and Adobe Dropped a Bomb

I swear, that’s what my notes say: Adobe dropped a bomb.  It was really late when I prodded the half asleep, half sloshy programmer to tell me more about the conference.  He probably slurred Adobe dropped the ball and my sleepy mind told my fingers to write dropped a bomb…which is so much more catchy.

Adobe dropped a bomb on what you ask?

I don’t think they dropped it on anything except poor overworked, underpaid programmers.  I do know what THE BOMB is though: Flex.

And somehow this Flex bomb is related to JavaScript which sent the programmer in to a tirade.  It’s rare that he hates a language, my programmer is all about using the best tool for the job and can find a use for everything.

Here’s how the programmer describes JavaScript:

1.  ATROCIOUS
2.  NOT A REAL LANGUAGE  (This is an accusation that causes foaming at other programmers’ mouths)

So what exactly is Flex?  I haven’t got the faintest idea except that somehow it uses the evil JavaScript.  If you really wanted to know you should have gone to Peter Paugh’s talk at the Emerging Technology Conference.  I’m afraid I can’t give you anymore info since the programmer is still dragging JavaScript, its exceptions, errors, and libraries through the mud.

The programmer’s final words of advice:  Avoid HTML and JavaScript at all costs.

Emerging Tech Conference Breakdown Part 1: Surfing, The Secrets to Business Success, and Bloody Buzz Words

So it might be a little unfair for me to focus on THE BATTLE when it was probably such a small and insignificant part of the Emerging Technology Conference. Guess I’m showing my bloodthirsty, witchy part. Therefore I did make sure I asked my programmer about a few of the other talks he attended and the way too early in the morning (in my opinion, lazy brat that I am) keynote speech.

Surfing. That’s what the programmer learned about at 9 in the morning.

“Internet surfing?” I ask, already secretly thinking, my god, how boring.

“No, like wave surfing,” the programmer responds, “with boards. She (Lucinda Holt) had lots of pictures.”

I instantly perk up. I adore sports, especially of the water variety even though I’m the biggest klutz in the whole world. “But still, it was so early. Was the food at least good?”

“Nope, just bagels.”

Well, I’m disappointed now. I need coffee and sugar, sugar and coffee, to get me going in the morning, especially if I’ve got to pretend to pay attention to someone talking…even if there are pretty pictures. I would have lasted about 8 minutes. So how the hell did the programmer who can’t peel his eyelids off his eyeballs until 11 stay upright?

“She was a good speaker though she didn’t say anything new or groundbreaking. If anything, some of what she said was kinda obvious. But the stories she told were fun.”

“What exactly was this fun but obvious talk about besides surfboards and falling off them (a skill I’ve honed to Olympic standards)?”

According to the programmer the keynote speech was about how to make a web/programming technology firm succeed.

The secret: The right technology, at the right time, with the right message and the right something.

Yes, that’s right…SOMETHING. I think I need to buy the programmer a recorder because his memory is just downright shoddy. Doesn’t know what framework won, doesn’t know what technology is like Hillary Clinton. Doesn’t know the fourth ingredient to a successful tech company.

So what is it that this speaker’s company does that makes it so successful?

Organic search.

My eyes cross. Not because I don’t know what organic search is but because of the damn word organic. You know that IBM commercial where the worker bees play buzz word bingo.

Well, there’s a new buzz word to put on the card. ORGANIC. Everything is bloody organic now…but do you know what it really means?

Comparing Web Technologies to Hillary Clinton (and Other Fighting Words)

The programmer showed up at the hotel door after midnight sloshy and without his keycard.  I made him give me juicy tidbits through the door before letting him in (for fear he’d pass out on the bed and I’d be left with nothing to chitchat about here).

I tried to drag information about the Battle of the Frameworks out of him first, because well, let’s face it, out of all the titles on the schedule this is the one I probably understand the most.  And I was holding out for mention of light sabres.  First, let’s look at our contestants.

* Dan Allen, author of Seam in Action
* Peter Armstrong, author of Flexible Rails
* Bear Bibeault, co-author of jQuery in Action, Prototype & Scriptaculous in Action, and Ajax in Practice
* Max Carlson, co-author of Laszlo in Action and co-founder of Laszlo Systems
* Chad Michael Davis, co-author of Struts2 in Action
* Obie Fernandez, author of The Rails Way
* Robert Hanson, co-author of GWT in Action
* Yehuda Katz, co-author of jQuery in Action
* Chris Richardson, author of POJOS in Action

So I’m going to assume these are some of the best of the best since they’re battling it out as representatives of their frameworks.  All I really notice is what is with all the In Action (and one In Practice)?  What the hell does In Action mean anyway?  Are they all at the gym?  And then what’s up with the two odd-title-out Rails books/experts.  Is a Rail supposed to flexible?  I certainly hope not, Amtrak’s got enough problems.  And The Rails Way?  Sounds like a self help book.  Of course we all need help, maybe a framework will help us find a higher plain of mystical computing wholeness.  Ahh, the coffee is kicking in.

Anyway, the programmer began his dissertation on THE BATTLE by first clarifying a misunderstanding.  The title of the talk is misleading (hell, I hope it’s not THE BATTLE part).  Thankfully, it was that pesky, ambiguous FRAMEWORK word.  He said this wasn’t really a battle of the frameworks because a lot of the [INSERT Word Of Choice] In Actions above aren’t frameworks…of course the only one I can remember him mentioning is that GWT isn’t a framework (but I know Seam, Rails and Struts2 are).  So it wasn’t really a battle of the frameworks because some of these just weren’t comparable.

So what was it then?

JAVA VERSUS RUBY (Rails).

Lay your light sabres on the table and lets measure ‘em, boys.

Okay, well that’s what I would have done.

Apparently the Rails gurus laid down the gauntlet with a taunt that Rails was more mature than anything in the Java Platform.

And THE BATTLE commenced (or, as the programmer calls it, THE FLAME WAR).

Supposedly the Java people answered the call and at some point were asked to put down the flame thrower.

Ahh, so that answers my question finally.  Screw the light sabres, bring on the flame throwers.

Oh, and how does Hillary Clinton play into all this?  The programmer remembered one of the gurus mentioning that some technology wasn’t going to win (because a battle is all about who is left standing right?) but he couldn’t remember what that technology was.  I feel a sense of irony here.  So I’ll create my own quote from the one he only half remembered:

“[INSERT Technology/Framework here] is the Hillary Clinton of web technology.  It’s good, but it won’t win.“

So which framework did win?  I was answered by a beer-scented snore.

(Naughty) USB Toys for the Over-Educated

I wandered the campuses of Drexel and the University of Pennsylvania today while the programmer absorbed hours of technological debating and education.  I have a way of reducing all that higher learning to the tawdry.  I found this in a store right off campus.

Just what every programmer wants!  A beagle to hump their USB port!

Day One of the Emerging Tech Conference in Windy Philadelphia

Let’s talk about goodies.

For y’all not on a conference circuit (be it for dental hygiene, African violet breeding, or all things computer and programming related), you may not know what goodies are. Goodies are the collection of things you typically get in a bag when you check in to your conference of choice. Typically they are related to your field and therefore the conference you’re at–unless one just likes to shell out hundreds to thousands of dollars for random conferences (hey, whatever floats your boat). For example, I assume the lovely people who go to dental conferences get free teeth, toothpicks and miniature cans of laughing gas–or at least, that’s what I imagine. Anyway, we’re talking about computer/programming conferences, where I don’t need to imagine what’s in the goody bag. I know, baby.

This year the Emerging Technologies for Enterprise (the full and official name) conference is going green, which I think is totally awesome! And not just because I’m of an environmental bent, but because when I get handed a folder of papers and hand outs and all the other paper crap that seems to be churned out by a conference I seem to always be fumbling, cussing and, of course, never finding the one thing I need–the bloody schedule. The only piece of paper my programmer has is the schedule, and it’s teeny tiny and fits in his name tag badge. Somebody should get a raise for that idea. All the other paper flotsam that seems to coincide with a conference has been transferred onto a thumb drive, and while this idea might not work for an African violet breeding conference, programmers and computer geeks should have no problem figuring out where to stick their thumb drives. Okay, that was a bad joke, but I couldn’t help myself. The other items in the Emerging Tech conference goody bag–a water bottle, branded with some company’s logo I think and a wind jacket, the kind middle-aged men wear on the golf course.

Let’s critique this ensemble from the point of view of the non-programming wife.

Water Bottle: I love water bottles. Why? Because I’m outside a lot: hiking, running, shoveling manure. A water bottle comes in handy. I get thirsty and a water bottle, literally, keeps the crap out of my drink. However, water bottles are a FAVORITE giveaway for all conferences, not just the tech ones, so I now have way too many water bottles and most get donated to the Salvation Army.

Wind Jacket (at least this is what I call it): Unfortunately, this is another common giveaway. And let’s face it, when clothing is a giveaway it tends to be sized L to XXL to accommodate America’s rapidly expanding waistlines. Not to insult my husband but…well…the man has the waist of a wasp. Ain’t gonna fit.

Thumb Drives: Definitely a necessity. They used to be expensive. They used to not fit that much. Now, we probably have about twenty of them, all branded with various company or conference logos. Don’t get me wrong, I love thumb drives. They’ve saved my sanity and files tons of times. They also survive going through the washing machine (a miracle right up there with walking on water in my mind)! But I have five tangled at the bottom of my bag right now, and I’m hoping I grabbed the one that I loaded my work onto…or I left it at home next to the TV, beside my bed, hanging from the corkboard, or my husband took it and I have his… You get the picture. So I’m afraid that thumb drives will become an item that will start getting pawned off, simply to cut down on the tangled confusion of my life. However, I will still take a thumb drive any day over a pile of papers.

Let’s examine goodies that have been dispensed by other conferences. While this is the first time my programmer has attended the Emerging Tech Conference, he’s hit JavaOne, No Fluff Just Stuff and various other conferences numerous times. They’re a couple goody themes.

The Bag: Sometimes one of the goodies is the bag itself. Book bags, tote bags, messenger bags. These are great, better than plastic bags, but, as with some of the items above, my programmer and I now have a ton of bags (because tote bags are a favorite giveaway at the conferences I attend and they’re usually loaded with paper, too. Bleck). We now have enough bags between us to stop using plastic grocery bags (furthering the green movement). We now have enough bags to get groceries for ourselves, our eight non-existent children, and to concurrently fill a large chest freezer. As you can see, this is now another item headed to the Salvation Army.

The Leather or Pleather Portfolio: Okay, these are a waste on both my husband and I. We’re just not professional enough to use them. They sit on our book case (all six of them) collecting dust. I’m loath to donate them because they look so nice (even the pleather ones) when not dust coated. I feel that maybe at some point we might need one, but in the end, they’re probably destined for a new home also.

Pens and Pads/Sticky Notes: Pens are great. Pens are fabulous. Why? Because we always need them. We use them. My programmer and I are constantly scribbling down notes (therefore the need for the small pads of paper/sticky notes) in strange places. Think in the car, by the treadmill, in all my purses…yes, even in the bathroom. I have pad and pen stashes everywhere.

So conference planners everywhere are now grumbling at me, asking, “well, what the hell am I supposed to use as promo materials then? What can I smack my logo on?”

I don’t know. Think outside the box.

Yes, you may now throw something at me for my very unimaginative use of a cliche which makes everyone round the world groan at its utter uselessness. But, come on, this is just a blog and my opinion. For all I know, all those programmers out there (with the exception of my husband) love water bottles. I just know that I no longer have any place to stash all this excess stuff in my little house. Hmmm, maybe you should give me a box to use as storage. Hot Damn! (Doing a little dance, the espresso is kicking in, baby!)

Observing Programmers in their Natural Habitat

The programmer and I made it to Philly, where we froze our asses off last night looking for something to eat (where do all these University of Pennsylvania and Drexel students eat or is the dining hall food that good?). Miracle of miracles, the programmer woke up before noon and made it to the Emerging Tech Conference’s breakfast and keynote speech. A speech first thing in the morning? Is this done? Does anyone stay awake regardless of how invigorating the speaker is? Will definitely get the lowdown on this phenomenon from the programmer when I see him tonight.

I on the other hand went to find a frappachino. Doing the bare minimum not to scare the locals, I brushed my hair, teeth, and put on some clothes (Be thankful). Then crawled back to my hotel room to suck down some caffeine. I love how the hotel room has quickly become just like home. Note the massive amount of cords, laptop and coffee leaving rings on my notebook. You can’t take me anywhere.

Once I’m properly caffeinated, showered, and dressed in something that isn’t sweatpants, I’ll check out the scenery, the programmers, and possibly stalk some things with my camera (Warning: I can’t take a decent photo to save my life).

If you don’t hear back from me I got picked up for indecent exposure or for taking a picture of a law professor in a compromising position-I’ve got that kind of luck-or gasp, a Java developer using .NET.

Surprise Announcements from the Programmer (aka The Emerging Tech Conference)

Ahh, the exciting, spontaneous life of being married to a programmer. One minute you’re finished scheduling your week, then Wham!, he murmurs an offhand comment while squinting at his screen…leaving me blinking at my calender in horror and wondering if I have any whiteout left (because he mutters comments that tilt my world rather regularly).

So it seems I will be in Philadelphia next week…surprise, surprise. At some point the programmer signed up for the Emerging Technology Conference-a two day extravaganza featuring a smorgasbord of framework talks with catchy titles such as Battle of the Frameworks! How does one battle over frameworks? Do they use light sabers? Is the winner determined by who can code the fastest? Me, I’d take a laptop and just bonk them all over the head: I win! I win! I win! (oops, sorry, brief regression to childhood) .

I should have known not to start scheduling spring and summer fun without checking with the programmer. He tends to come out of his cave and go to programmer gatherings (aka conferences) when the weather warms. If only he would find scheduling software that was, well, perfect…but according to him such software doesn’t exist so he uses nothing (i.e. see previous post about perfectionism). So until such software exists (never gonna happen, sigh), I’ll be taking unexpected trips to Philadelphia…

The Programmer and Perfectionism

I read an article this morning about women and their quest for perfection. To me, this quest is unattainable (can we say Don Quixote but without the moral innocence) and frankly, why do we want to be perfect in all aspects of our lives? That and then the scientist part of me gets nitpicky:

1.  How do we measure perfection?

2.  What is the definition of perfection?

3.  How do we know when we’ve become perfect?

4.  What do we do when we achieve perfection? (fall over an die because there’s nothing more to do? get cryogenically frozen and put on display in a museum for posterity?)

Too much analysis for me.  While I think I understand the causes that launched today’s phenomenon of women attempting to be perfect (the perceived pressure for a pristine house with perfectly coordinated upholstery; gourmet yet home-cooked meals; smiling, happy, healthy, genius children; the right cars; the right neighborhood; a handsome, smart, sensitive spouse; an airbrushed body that competes with the models on magazine covers; an intellectually challenging, progressive work environment where you’re on the fast track for promotion every six months, and family and friends in the same stratosphere), I don’t have any desire to join the ranks of tired, unhappy, dissatisfied women striving for an ideal that someone else made up (of course maybe there are women who have achieved this supposed perfection and are therefore ecstatic-we just only ever hear of the people who aren’t quite making it).

I’m about as far from the above definition of perfect as one can be, and I have no interest in achieving it. I’m not in an up and coming neighborhood (but I adore my neighbors), I don’t have a car (I’d have to wash it and put gas in it), dinners are often soup and sandwiches, dishes get left in the sink over night (and ignored through the day), nothing in my house matches (because, frankly, I have zero fashion sense), I don’t have kids, well-adjusted or otherwise (and am on the receiving end of ‘you’re not getting any younger’ looks), I will never get a corner office unless I pay for it myself (since I’m self-employed), and even if I workout for two hours everyday and just eat lettuce, I’ll still have an ass. And I wouldn’t change any of this to have a ‘perfect life’. My house feels like home, my career goals are to be self-sufficient and to be able to pick and choose my clients, I can still fit into my jeans from college, and I love my friends and family though they’re strange, quirky, and sometimes just plain weird. In the end I’m happy with me, happy with where I am in my life, and can’t quite think how it can get any better than this.  (That does not mean I want this moment to last forever.  I have goals: I’d like to have more time to read books, I’d like to run a 5K a few minutes faster, I’d like to be part of an archaeological dig some place warm and exotic but not break any nails or sweat…)

Maybe why I’m able to deal with or ignore the pressure society/media/women put on women to be perfect is because I see the quest for perfectionism and its consequences numerous times a year. I am married to a programmer. Programmers can be absolutely obsessed with perfection. Learning the perfect language, finding the perfect framework, writing the perfect code, making it all perfectly clean and concise, having the perfect coding and testing environment on their computer(s)…and I could go on. In the programming facet of his life, my husband strives for perfection often-TO THE EXCLUSION OF ALL ELSE. Forget food, bathing, sleep, everything…about all he does is get up to use the bathroom.

To me this translates into: ‘If I try and have a perfect life, I won’t have any life to speak of‘.  Damn, that sucks.  And I promptly throw the idea of perfection out the window.

The other thing I’ve observed about the quest for perfection: IT JUST NEVER HAPPENS-the perfection part that is.  My husband has never found the perfect programming language, framework, working environment, etc. for a project (and I don’t think this is because he’s not smart).  Then he just gets upset.  Why is a project never perfect?  Well, because there are other people involved, budget constraints, time constraints, psycho clients with crazy request…the list goes on.  All the same factors will affect your ‘perfect life’; money, time, wacko children, family, and co-workers.  Let go, honey, you can’t control it all (and do you really want to?).

So while I may not be on a quest for perfection, how do I deal with a programmer who does desire perfection in at least one facet of his life?

Fact: I don’t understand his quest/obsession for programming nirvana, BUT I ACCEPT IT. I understood what he was like before I married him and had no delusions that he would change after we got married. So my advice to you, don’t try and be society’s vision of perfect (like we could define it any way) AND ALSO don’t expect your programmer to be perfect (in his programming or the rest of his life). You know how I listed the spouse as being handsome, smart and sensitive. Well, mine is handsome, smart in programming but not all that sensitive when his nose is pressed up against a monitor. But this supposed flaw doesn’t bring my life to a grinding halt. Programming is my husband’s life but my life is centered around a multitude of other things (and not my husband). He wants to spend Saturday programming, great! I’ll spend the day hiking, visiting friends, or pursuing my own work. My life doesn’t revolve around him nor does his revolve around me. We are companions, lovers, friends…not dependents. Sure, there are days where I try to persuade him out of his chair or nag at him to shave, and he’ll usually listen to me, but I also recognize when he is in his perfection mood and leave him alone.

Oh, and on the flipside, my husband doesn’t expect me to be ‘perfect’ either.  He point blank told me that he’ll never ever clean a toilet, even if his life depends on it, but he’s also never said anything to me when the bathrooms become tiny toxic waste pits…or his feet stick to the kitchen floor…or my outfit doesn’t match…or he’s out of underwear…or there are no clean glasses and if he wants dinner he better pick it up on his way home.

Now that’s love (and my definition of a perfect relationship).