Should Breasts Be An Open Source Project?

Will programmers even understand?

While I’m rather technologically challenged at times, I have developed a love for open source projects. I can usually find programs to do exactly what I want, instantly get it on my computer, and when I break it there’s tons of help in the form of wikis, forums, and devoted developers. Therefore, it was no wonder that the following blog title caught my attention: Open Source Boob Project.

That’s right: Open Source + boobs

Okay. My imagination scrambled. Could it be software for porn? For plastic surgeons? Did Boob stand for big object-oriented barnacles? Bran Oreos or beans?

Nope, boobs meant breasts. The mammary glands of mammals.

It seems that at the recent PenguiCon a group of people (I can’t figure out if they were all men) decided to ask attendees (not necessarily just women) if they could feel his or her breasts for the following purpose:

“It was an Open-Source Project, making breasts available to select folks. (Like any good project, you need access control, because there are loutish men and women who just Don’t Get It.) And we wanted a signal to let people know that they were okay with being asked politely…”

People were given buttons saying “Yes, you may” (feel my breasts) or “No, you may not” (feel my breasts). Accounts on exactly how these exchanges took place seem to vary wildly from simple, quick question sessions to groups of men descending on helpless breasts. Needless to say, there are a number of blogs and resulting comments that are dissecting the event with opinions ranging from stupid but harmless fun to no women will ever feel safe at a conference again.

I can’t tell you how I would have felt if these people had come up to me at a conference and asked to feel my breasts. It really would depend on my mood. The one point I’m getting stuck on is the people who have declared that it was a terrible question to ask in the first place. That I don’t agree with. Why can’t people ask any question they want? A question is a search for knowledge. Is some knowledge taboo to ask for?

Now that person you’re asking the question of doesn’t have to give you the answer you think you want to hear. You may ask me if you can feel my breasts anytime you want. I might say yes, no, none of your business, or this isn’t the appropriate time/place/audience to discuss/feel this topic. But I don’t think it is right that people censor their questions. Questions are good. I like to think questions bring truth, knowledge, and justice to the surface.

Now, there are others that feel such a question objectifies women. That men are reducing females to body parts with no minds. I have to admit I don’t really understand what objectifying women means. If it means that some man only thinks about me as a pair of breasts, pale thighs, or as a blond bimbo and not as an educated woman who likes sushi and French films…well…so what? I don’t care what he thinks about me. Why? Because frankly, it would never cross my mind that someone else is thinking about my breasts and ONLY my breasts. I don’t think of me as only my breasts. And the only thoughts that matter about me come from me (self-absorbed, I know). I’m probably naive and myopic for having that point of view, but well, this is my blog darnit. I definitely have to send this issue on to my sister though. She’ll have a field day (ranting at me) and actually understand the points about patriarchy.

My sister says women get objectified constantly-advertisements being a huge culprit-but everything she hates, I seem to just think as pretty, funny, or art. She would say I’ve objectified myself since my breasts are right here on this page. *sigh* Really, the breasts were just a good place to stick the mouse. I don’t take my breasts that seriously, I don’t take men or women staring at them seriously. I don’t really take anything seriously, which may be why I’m having difficulty relating to the people who are angry and disgusted at this situation. Many of the other bloggers speak of fear and horror.

kate_nepveu writes:

“If you are a stranger, especially a man, perhaps especially in a group of other strangers who are men, and you come up to me and say, “You’re very beautiful. I’d like to touch your breasts. Would you mind if I did?”:

You will put me in fear.

Because you could be someone who will go away quietly if I say no (which I will). You could be the exiled gay prince of Farlandia, cursed to wander this Earth looking for the key to his return that can only be revealed by touching the breast of a willing stranger, and who isn’t enjoying this at all. You could, in short, not be a danger to me.

But how am I supposed to know that?”

Suzanne Reisman writes:

“Personally, I’m not sure what I would do. I honestly think I would be frozen, shocked and horrified that some stranger would randomly approach me and ask to paw me. I’m sure I’d be embarrassed, creeped out, and feel like crying and/or puking. Yet this is what many women who attended PenguiCon were faced with during this year’s conference, which took place from April 18-20.”

I admit that I have never been in a situation that has caused me this type of fear. However, I’m very sure this fear does exist for other women and men, so please, don’t smack me, I’m not dissing this feeling at all. In reaction to the campaign groping at conferences (and groping in general seems to be a long term problem at these events), there is now a new open source project: Open Source Women Back Each Other Up Program.

While I don’t understand all the hubbub about the right to ask this question, the ethics versus the morals, or how it objectifies women, I can see that this was a bad idea. Was an open source and science fiction conference a good place to have a study about breasts? It might have been better at a gender roles or psychology conference. Announcements of the experiment should have been posted prior to the event, perhaps with legal disclaimers and such (because this is America and I just betcha, somewhere, a lawyer is getting all excited about this discussion (think lawsuit, not sex, people)).

So should breasts and the quest to demystify how they feel be an open source project? No. And the answer about why not is far simpler than morals, men and womens’ relationships with each others’ body parts, and the quest for knowledge.

I told the programmer there was an open source project about breasts while his fingers caressed the worn black keys of his laptop. His cha-cha typing stopped and he looked up at me, his brow slightly wrinkled.

He said, “how can you code a boob?”

Ahh, the straightforward simplicity of a programmer. Trust me, he doesn’t know what objectifying women is either.

Marry a Programmer and Never Do Housework Again!

People still do housework? I want to know where these couples are because they don’t live in this house. Maybe that’s what you get when you marry a programmer. NO HOUSEWORK.

Ok, I’m stretching the truth here, but I’m having a hard time believing a University of Michigan study that says:

1. Married women do 17 hours of housework a week.

2. Seven of these hours are created when they say “I Do”.

I’m trying to imagine what a women is possibly cleaning and cooking for 17 hours? Does she live in a mansion? And if you live in a mansion doesn’t it automatically come with maids?

First, let’s look at what the study defined as housework:

“It only included time spent cooking, cleaning, folding laundry, and other basic work around the house—not gardening, home repair, or washing the car. And it didn’t count supermarket trips, diaper changes, or testing a second grader on spelling words.“

What do I think of the tasks considered housework? You don’t need to do any of these things to live. The only essential thing I see is on the uncounted list: diaper changing. While I don’t have kids, I hope you consider changing your baby’s diaper essential. Everything else…is folding laundry really that important? You just unfold it to put on (I apply this same reasoning to bed making. Why make it when you’re just going to mess it up again in a few hours?). Cleaning: hire someone. Cooking/supermarket trips: hire someone or eat out. Gardening/house maintenance: hire someone.

You’re probably giving me the evil eye right about now.

“Anya must be rich to hire all these people,” you say.

Nope, not even close. But I have done some basic math. At what I earn an hour it makes far more sense to hire someone to do basic chores while I do my job. People don’t pay me to wash my dishes; they pay me to do my job. And after work, why would I want to push around a vacuum when I could be outside hiking or watching Curb Appeal?

I do admit to doing some chores. I cook from time to time. Why? Because I like to cook, not because the programmer expects dinner on the table. Yes, since getting married, I probably do more laundry-but the addition of the programmer’s clothes actually makes me more environmental. I have one of those washing machines that you can cram 24 pairs of jeans and a small goat into. I only own two pairs of jeans and no goat. Now, with my spouse’s clothes, I can actually run a full load of clothes instead of wasting water by running half a load.

How about division of labor between the husband and I? I actually can’t tell you whether the ‘division of labor’ has changed since we’ve gotten married; we each have our own things that we do. He grills, he paints, he clips the little fuzzies from the Berber carpet. I bake and putt around in the gardens. We knew what each other would and wouldn’t do before we got married. I told him I would never be June Cleaver and have a bad habit of tracking manure through the house. He told me that he would never, ever clean a toilet. And this brings me to my advice.

Why, whether you are a man or women, are you cleaning/cooking/mowing/etc? Was your answer: Because I have to? Who says? Who wrote this boring doctrine? No, you do not have to cook, clean and mow. You probably do these things because they’re what your mother and father did. And how happy are they with these chores, truly? (i.e. is your sweet mother downing a bottle of wine while she does the dishes; is your typically laid back father swearing under his breath when he hears the phrases “edge the lawn” and “trim the hedges”) Do you do these chores because you’ve watched too many old sitcoms (aka Leave It To Beaver)?

Stop! Stop doing chores you think you have to do just because other people in your life or on TV do them. Only do the things you want to do. Do you crave a pristine bathroom? Then clean it. But if your spouse is happy showering in a mildew jungle don’t get angry that he/she never cleans the bathroom. It’s not important to them, only to you. You want dinner on the table at 6. Well, then you better cook it.

The chores you’re willing to do (aka division of labor) should be sorted before you get married. (This also goes for topics such as having kids and religion). Just because my husband and I got married and professed are love in front of a crowd didn’t mean he would suddenly develop a burning urge to clean the bathroom or I would discover that folding laundry is fun. Do not expect your spouse to change once you get married. It just ain’t gonna happen.

As for how much official housework gets done by a programmer’s wife in a week. Probably only 5 hours (and that’s being generous). The programmer probably does about the same. So once again, I ask: what are women doing for 17 hours a week (and men for 13 hours)? I can only hope that for 17 and 13 hours you’re doing something that you really like (like cleaning grout with a toothbrush?) and that you’re only doing it for yourself NOT your spouse, neighbors, or in-laws. Trust me, people don’t give a crap if you dust your mantle, fold your laundry, or organize your books alphabetically. The urge to clean or cook is all about you and your perceptions. And sorry, it may sound harsh, but if you’re married to someone who insists on the bed being made but won’t do him/herself, then it’s time for you to hit the road.

Come Home to the Scent of Roses Courtesy of Your Cell Phone

Bored with sending pictures and videos via your phone?  How about sending a scent from your phone or email to a system in your home so you can come home to the scent of lavender? While I consider this technology a niche at the moment for people who just have to have everything, I can see how it could be applied to entertainment in the future…movies with surround sound and scent, anyone?  Except I watch a lot of action and crime movies…do I really want to smell a decomposing body or the scent of someone who’s been living in the jungle for weeks?  Hmmm, suddenly the popcorn is churning in my stomach.

And of course, I always think about the naughty things one can do with a new technology.  Sure, while he loves you he sends you the scent of roses but what happens when he breaks up with you?  Does he send you the scent of rotten fish?  In addition to spam text messages, will we be getting spam scents?  Instead of the relaxing vanilla you expected, you come home to the eye-watering aroma of jambalya courtesy of a cajun restaurant’s advertisement.

Of course, I don’t think I have to worry about getting unauthorized scents any time soon.  I’m not sure I’ve gotten the hand of sending text messages from my phone much less scent recipes.

Emerging Tech Conference Breakdown Part 2: Javascript Sucks and Adobe Dropped a Bomb

I swear, that’s what my notes say: Adobe dropped a bomb.  It was really late when I prodded the half asleep, half sloshy programmer to tell me more about the conference.  He probably slurred Adobe dropped the ball and my sleepy mind told my fingers to write dropped a bomb…which is so much more catchy.

Adobe dropped a bomb on what you ask?

I don’t think they dropped it on anything except poor overworked, underpaid programmers.  I do know what THE BOMB is though: Flex.

And somehow this Flex bomb is related to JavaScript which sent the programmer in to a tirade.  It’s rare that he hates a language, my programmer is all about using the best tool for the job and can find a use for everything.

Here’s how the programmer describes JavaScript:

1.  ATROCIOUS
2.  NOT A REAL LANGUAGE  (This is an accusation that causes foaming at other programmers’ mouths)

So what exactly is Flex?  I haven’t got the faintest idea except that somehow it uses the evil JavaScript.  If you really wanted to know you should have gone to Peter Paugh’s talk at the Emerging Technology Conference.  I’m afraid I can’t give you anymore info since the programmer is still dragging JavaScript, its exceptions, errors, and libraries through the mud.

The programmer’s final words of advice:  Avoid HTML and JavaScript at all costs.

Emerging Tech Conference Breakdown Part 1: Surfing, The Secrets to Business Success, and Bloody Buzz Words

So it might be a little unfair for me to focus on THE BATTLE when it was probably such a small and insignificant part of the Emerging Technology Conference. Guess I’m showing my bloodthirsty, witchy part. Therefore I did make sure I asked my programmer about a few of the other talks he attended and the way too early in the morning (in my opinion, lazy brat that I am) keynote speech.

Surfing. That’s what the programmer learned about at 9 in the morning.

“Internet surfing?” I ask, already secretly thinking, my god, how boring.

“No, like wave surfing,” the programmer responds, “with boards. She (Lucinda Holt) had lots of pictures.”

I instantly perk up. I adore sports, especially of the water variety even though I’m the biggest klutz in the whole world. “But still, it was so early. Was the food at least good?”

“Nope, just bagels.”

Well, I’m disappointed now. I need coffee and sugar, sugar and coffee, to get me going in the morning, especially if I’ve got to pretend to pay attention to someone talking…even if there are pretty pictures. I would have lasted about 8 minutes. So how the hell did the programmer who can’t peel his eyelids off his eyeballs until 11 stay upright?

“She was a good speaker though she didn’t say anything new or groundbreaking. If anything, some of what she said was kinda obvious. But the stories she told were fun.”

“What exactly was this fun but obvious talk about besides surfboards and falling off them (a skill I’ve honed to Olympic standards)?”

According to the programmer the keynote speech was about how to make a web/programming technology firm succeed.

The secret: The right technology, at the right time, with the right message and the right something.

Yes, that’s right…SOMETHING. I think I need to buy the programmer a recorder because his memory is just downright shoddy. Doesn’t know what framework won, doesn’t know what technology is like Hillary Clinton. Doesn’t know the fourth ingredient to a successful tech company.

So what is it that this speaker’s company does that makes it so successful?

Organic search.

My eyes cross. Not because I don’t know what organic search is but because of the damn word organic. You know that IBM commercial where the worker bees play buzz word bingo.

Well, there’s a new buzz word to put on the card. ORGANIC. Everything is bloody organic now…but do you know what it really means?

Comparing Web Technologies to Hillary Clinton (and Other Fighting Words)

The programmer showed up at the hotel door after midnight sloshy and without his keycard.  I made him give me juicy tidbits through the door before letting him in (for fear he’d pass out on the bed and I’d be left with nothing to chitchat about here).

I tried to drag information about the Battle of the Frameworks out of him first, because well, let’s face it, out of all the titles on the schedule this is the one I probably understand the most.  And I was holding out for mention of light sabres.  First, let’s look at our contestants.

* Dan Allen, author of Seam in Action
* Peter Armstrong, author of Flexible Rails
* Bear Bibeault, co-author of jQuery in Action, Prototype & Scriptaculous in Action, and Ajax in Practice
* Max Carlson, co-author of Laszlo in Action and co-founder of Laszlo Systems
* Chad Michael Davis, co-author of Struts2 in Action
* Obie Fernandez, author of The Rails Way
* Robert Hanson, co-author of GWT in Action
* Yehuda Katz, co-author of jQuery in Action
* Chris Richardson, author of POJOS in Action

So I’m going to assume these are some of the best of the best since they’re battling it out as representatives of their frameworks.  All I really notice is what is with all the In Action (and one In Practice)?  What the hell does In Action mean anyway?  Are they all at the gym?  And then what’s up with the two odd-title-out Rails books/experts.  Is a Rail supposed to flexible?  I certainly hope not, Amtrak’s got enough problems.  And The Rails Way?  Sounds like a self help book.  Of course we all need help, maybe a framework will help us find a higher plain of mystical computing wholeness.  Ahh, the coffee is kicking in.

Anyway, the programmer began his dissertation on THE BATTLE by first clarifying a misunderstanding.  The title of the talk is misleading (hell, I hope it’s not THE BATTLE part).  Thankfully, it was that pesky, ambiguous FRAMEWORK word.  He said this wasn’t really a battle of the frameworks because a lot of the [INSERT Word Of Choice] In Actions above aren’t frameworks…of course the only one I can remember him mentioning is that GWT isn’t a framework (but I know Seam, Rails and Struts2 are).  So it wasn’t really a battle of the frameworks because some of these just weren’t comparable.

So what was it then?

JAVA VERSUS RUBY (Rails).

Lay your light sabres on the table and lets measure ‘em, boys.

Okay, well that’s what I would have done.

Apparently the Rails gurus laid down the gauntlet with a taunt that Rails was more mature than anything in the Java Platform.

And THE BATTLE commenced (or, as the programmer calls it, THE FLAME WAR).

Supposedly the Java people answered the call and at some point were asked to put down the flame thrower.

Ahh, so that answers my question finally.  Screw the light sabres, bring on the flame throwers.

Oh, and how does Hillary Clinton play into all this?  The programmer remembered one of the gurus mentioning that some technology wasn’t going to win (because a battle is all about who is left standing right?) but he couldn’t remember what that technology was.  I feel a sense of irony here.  So I’ll create my own quote from the one he only half remembered:

“[INSERT Technology/Framework here] is the Hillary Clinton of web technology.  It’s good, but it won’t win.“

So which framework did win?  I was answered by a beer-scented snore.

(Naughty) USB Toys for the Over-Educated

I wandered the campuses of Drexel and the University of Pennsylvania today while the programmer absorbed hours of technological debating and education.  I have a way of reducing all that higher learning to the tawdry.  I found this in a store right off campus.

Just what every programmer wants!  A beagle to hump their USB port!

Day One of the Emerging Tech Conference in Windy Philadelphia

Let’s talk about goodies.

For y’all not on a conference circuit (be it for dental hygiene, African violet breeding, or all things computer and programming related), you may not know what goodies are. Goodies are the collection of things you typically get in a bag when you check in to your conference of choice. Typically they are related to your field and therefore the conference you’re at–unless one just likes to shell out hundreds to thousands of dollars for random conferences (hey, whatever floats your boat). For example, I assume the lovely people who go to dental conferences get free teeth, toothpicks and miniature cans of laughing gas–or at least, that’s what I imagine. Anyway, we’re talking about computer/programming conferences, where I don’t need to imagine what’s in the goody bag. I know, baby.

This year the Emerging Technologies for Enterprise (the full and official name) conference is going green, which I think is totally awesome! And not just because I’m of an environmental bent, but because when I get handed a folder of papers and hand outs and all the other paper crap that seems to be churned out by a conference I seem to always be fumbling, cussing and, of course, never finding the one thing I need–the bloody schedule. The only piece of paper my programmer has is the schedule, and it’s teeny tiny and fits in his name tag badge. Somebody should get a raise for that idea. All the other paper flotsam that seems to coincide with a conference has been transferred onto a thumb drive, and while this idea might not work for an African violet breeding conference, programmers and computer geeks should have no problem figuring out where to stick their thumb drives. Okay, that was a bad joke, but I couldn’t help myself. The other items in the Emerging Tech conference goody bag–a water bottle, branded with some company’s logo I think and a wind jacket, the kind middle-aged men wear on the golf course.

Let’s critique this ensemble from the point of view of the non-programming wife.

Water Bottle: I love water bottles. Why? Because I’m outside a lot: hiking, running, shoveling manure. A water bottle comes in handy. I get thirsty and a water bottle, literally, keeps the crap out of my drink. However, water bottles are a FAVORITE giveaway for all conferences, not just the tech ones, so I now have way too many water bottles and most get donated to the Salvation Army.

Wind Jacket (at least this is what I call it): Unfortunately, this is another common giveaway. And let’s face it, when clothing is a giveaway it tends to be sized L to XXL to accommodate America’s rapidly expanding waistlines. Not to insult my husband but…well…the man has the waist of a wasp. Ain’t gonna fit.

Thumb Drives: Definitely a necessity. They used to be expensive. They used to not fit that much. Now, we probably have about twenty of them, all branded with various company or conference logos. Don’t get me wrong, I love thumb drives. They’ve saved my sanity and files tons of times. They also survive going through the washing machine (a miracle right up there with walking on water in my mind)! But I have five tangled at the bottom of my bag right now, and I’m hoping I grabbed the one that I loaded my work onto…or I left it at home next to the TV, beside my bed, hanging from the corkboard, or my husband took it and I have his… You get the picture. So I’m afraid that thumb drives will become an item that will start getting pawned off, simply to cut down on the tangled confusion of my life. However, I will still take a thumb drive any day over a pile of papers.

Let’s examine goodies that have been dispensed by other conferences. While this is the first time my programmer has attended the Emerging Tech Conference, he’s hit JavaOne, No Fluff Just Stuff and various other conferences numerous times. They’re a couple goody themes.

The Bag: Sometimes one of the goodies is the bag itself. Book bags, tote bags, messenger bags. These are great, better than plastic bags, but, as with some of the items above, my programmer and I now have a ton of bags (because tote bags are a favorite giveaway at the conferences I attend and they’re usually loaded with paper, too. Bleck). We now have enough bags between us to stop using plastic grocery bags (furthering the green movement). We now have enough bags to get groceries for ourselves, our eight non-existent children, and to concurrently fill a large chest freezer. As you can see, this is now another item headed to the Salvation Army.

The Leather or Pleather Portfolio: Okay, these are a waste on both my husband and I. We’re just not professional enough to use them. They sit on our book case (all six of them) collecting dust. I’m loath to donate them because they look so nice (even the pleather ones) when not dust coated. I feel that maybe at some point we might need one, but in the end, they’re probably destined for a new home also.

Pens and Pads/Sticky Notes: Pens are great. Pens are fabulous. Why? Because we always need them. We use them. My programmer and I are constantly scribbling down notes (therefore the need for the small pads of paper/sticky notes) in strange places. Think in the car, by the treadmill, in all my purses…yes, even in the bathroom. I have pad and pen stashes everywhere.

So conference planners everywhere are now grumbling at me, asking, “well, what the hell am I supposed to use as promo materials then? What can I smack my logo on?”

I don’t know. Think outside the box.

Yes, you may now throw something at me for my very unimaginative use of a cliche which makes everyone round the world groan at its utter uselessness. But, come on, this is just a blog and my opinion. For all I know, all those programmers out there (with the exception of my husband) love water bottles. I just know that I no longer have any place to stash all this excess stuff in my little house. Hmmm, maybe you should give me a box to use as storage. Hot Damn! (Doing a little dance, the espresso is kicking in, baby!)

Observing Programmers in their Natural Habitat

The programmer and I made it to Philly, where we froze our asses off last night looking for something to eat (where do all these University of Pennsylvania and Drexel students eat or is the dining hall food that good?). Miracle of miracles, the programmer woke up before noon and made it to the Emerging Tech Conference’s breakfast and keynote speech. A speech first thing in the morning? Is this done? Does anyone stay awake regardless of how invigorating the speaker is? Will definitely get the lowdown on this phenomenon from the programmer when I see him tonight.

I on the other hand went to find a frappachino. Doing the bare minimum not to scare the locals, I brushed my hair, teeth, and put on some clothes (Be thankful). Then crawled back to my hotel room to suck down some caffeine. I love how the hotel room has quickly become just like home. Note the massive amount of cords, laptop and coffee leaving rings on my notebook. You can’t take me anywhere.

Once I’m properly caffeinated, showered, and dressed in something that isn’t sweatpants, I’ll check out the scenery, the programmers, and possibly stalk some things with my camera (Warning: I can’t take a decent photo to save my life).

If you don’t hear back from me I got picked up for indecent exposure or for taking a picture of a law professor in a compromising position-I’ve got that kind of luck-or gasp, a Java developer using .NET.

Surprise Announcements from the Programmer (aka The Emerging Tech Conference)

Ahh, the exciting, spontaneous life of being married to a programmer. One minute you’re finished scheduling your week, then Wham!, he murmurs an offhand comment while squinting at his screen…leaving me blinking at my calender in horror and wondering if I have any whiteout left (because he mutters comments that tilt my world rather regularly).

So it seems I will be in Philadelphia next week…surprise, surprise. At some point the programmer signed up for the Emerging Technology Conference-a two day extravaganza featuring a smorgasbord of framework talks with catchy titles such as Battle of the Frameworks! How does one battle over frameworks? Do they use light sabers? Is the winner determined by who can code the fastest? Me, I’d take a laptop and just bonk them all over the head: I win! I win! I win! (oops, sorry, brief regression to childhood) .

I should have known not to start scheduling spring and summer fun without checking with the programmer. He tends to come out of his cave and go to programmer gatherings (aka conferences) when the weather warms. If only he would find scheduling software that was, well, perfect…but according to him such software doesn’t exist so he uses nothing (i.e. see previous post about perfectionism). So until such software exists (never gonna happen, sigh), I’ll be taking unexpected trips to Philadelphia…